Dear Diary
by Horus.Potter
Summary: Spoilers: YES.  Hermione keeps a journal at night, documenting her feelings on the treacherous search for Horcruxes.  Takes place during about 1 week of Deathly Hallows when Ron is gone and Harry and Hermione are desperate for the strength to fight.


Dear Diary

_December 21 _

Dear Diary, Ron is still gone. I never expected to see him again, but it's hard being without him. I've thought of sneaking off, into a wizard shop, sending him an owl. I know it's dangerous but I can't stand being apart from him; it's tearing me apart.

Harry is so good to me. He's trying his best to keep my mind off Ron, to keep us busy even though we are so aimless. He puts up a good front but I can tell he misses Ron too. We don't talk about him; I want to but there's nothing to say… he made his choice.

_December 22_

Dear Diary, it's cold here. The snow is heavy and I can see my breath all the time, even by the fire. I used to go skiing with my parents and I would love the feel of the snow crunching beneath my feet; the snow drifts fluttering around me as we raced down the hill. I don't feel delighted by the snow any longer; I feel annoyed. Sad. Cold. Alone. Harry and I are trying our best but we are so lost. Without the Sword, or any other Horcruxes we really are accomplishing nothing.

I feel like it would be more beneficial for us to just go into hiding like the rest of the world. I don't tell Harry this; he'll get upset and say he's trying. I'm afraid for him. I don't know how much harder he can try.

_December 23_

Dear Diary, we might have a plan. It's a dangerous and stupid plan but it's better than doing nothing. We're going to Godric's Hollow, to see if we can find the sword, or a clue of any kind. Dumbledore is from the Hollow, and Harry was born there; the connections are too deep to overlook.

_December 26_

That. Was. A. Horrible. Plan. We were attacked. Nagini, Voldermort's snake, attacked us. We barely made it out. Harry's wand broke in the fray and I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I feel like everything is falling apart, even more than it already was. I don't know diary why I am even still writing. Things are so hopeless.

"Hermione, aren't you going to eat?" Harry pushed the bread toward me but I ignored it. "Hermione. I was thinking… we haven't exhausted all of our options. We can try and track down Gregorovitch; that wand maker you-know-who was tracking."

"It's an idea." I shrugged, not committed to any plans.

"Hermione will you please tell me what's bothering you? Where is your bossy, logical attitude? This is the part where you say, "Harry! No way! That's much too risky. Besides, we don't even know where he is! No, we must look for the other horcruxes! Let's go over everything Dumbledore ever told you.""

I smiled up at Harry. He had his hands on his hips and the impression he was doing of me was uncanny. The bossy voice, the exasperation, I had to laugh. The laughter continued as I let out all of my emotion that I had been bottling inside; my depression about Ron, the frustration at not solving this horcrux riddle, the desperation we were all feeling, everything collapsed into this fit of giggles.

"It wasn't that funny Hermione." He said as he sat next to me, but he was smiling too.

His grin was dazzling; I hadn't seen him smile in so long I had forgotten what it was like. I hadn't seen my best friend smile in months; it was heartbreaking to realize.

"Let's promise something right now Harry." I said, sobering up. "Let's promise to try and laugh at least once a day. Even if it's for no reason. I think we'll feel a lot better if we do."

Harry looked pensively at me briefly and then smiled. "No matter how bad things get. We'll laugh." He extended his pinky to me and I smiled at the gesture, locking my pinky with his.

His hand was warm; comforting. I rested my head on his shoulder, desperate for contact, for security.

"I'm sure she's alright." I whispered, not sure if he heard me.

"Ginny?" her name was a choked question.

"Yes." I looked up at him, a half-smile on my face. "We haven't heard her name," I nodded toward the transistor radio.

"That's always a good sign." He agreed, looking at his feet.

I rested my head back on his shoulder. "Ron's okay too you know." He said, clear and steady like he really believed it.

I didn't respond. I missed Ron; needed him. Harry missed Ginny; needed her.

"Harry." I looked into his eyes; the bright green color mesmerized me. It was hard not to admit that he was attractive even though he was my best friend, and I had never thought of him as more; I couldn't deny that he was handsome.

"Hermione." My name on his lips was a whisper and I wondered, for the smallest flash of an instant, what it would be like to kiss him.

I leaned up to him, slowly, giving him time to make me come to my senses, but he only looked back at me. I imagined he thought I was pretty, imagined he needed to be comforted as well.

I kissed him. I kissed my best friend right there in the tent. It was a peck of a kiss, nothing to be excited about; the kind of kissed reserved for school yard flirtations. But then it morphed. The kiss took on its own desire; transmogrifying into something else. Our lips parted, hands reached for each other, bodies collided.

I felt Harry's arms around me as I reached a hand into his unmanageable black hair, my other hand in its desperation looped around Harry's waist to yank him to my body. I felt him apply pressure to us and we were lying on the floor, Harry above me, our mouths franticly dueling.

It wasn't until our shirts were removed that the realization of this act hit me. My logical sensations overruled my desperation for human contact and I gasped a breath as our lips parted. I looked up at Harry, worried and confused.

"We can't be with who we love." He stated calmly, as though reading my thoughts.

I shook my head a fraction of an inch, agreeing with him.

He brushed a piece of hair from my face and smiled lovingly at me, and for a minute I could almost pretend it was Ron; I imagined it was someone who could love me.

"We don't have to do this." He said, leaning away from me. I missed his contact. I was an emotional wreck, but that didn't mean I had to be with Harry just because he was available.

"I miss him." I said, feeling tears sting my eyes. I blinked them back, willing myself not to shed any more tears over Ronald Weasley.

"I do too." Harry said, putting a comforting arm around my shoulder.

We sat in silence, each lost in our own torment.

"I hope she knows I love her." Harry broke the silence quietly, as though this were a thought he had that had escaped without his meaning it to.

"I'm sure she does." I looked into his eyes, trying to promise that he needn't worry. "She never stopped talking about you you know." I smiled a little at him.

He chuckled. "Ron talks about you all the time too."

I felt a blush creep along my cheeks. I was sure Harry was just saying that to make me happy, but it was working.

"He'll be okay." Harry whispered and kissed the top of my head. "I'm going to take first watch. Get some sleep."

I smiled and nodded, throwing my shirt back on, feeling horribly embarrassed, but happy that I had the most amazing best friend on the planet. That night I slept better. Visions of happiness kept me settled until I heard a commotion…

_December 28_

I've lost track of the days. It should be around the 28th. Ron came back! He found us! He said it was the gift Dumbledore left him; that diluminator. I was so overwhelmed when he came strolling into camp with Harry like it was no big deal that I hadn't seen him in weeks! I almost ran into his arms, then I remembered that he left us and I got angry instead. I screamed a lot; may have hit him, my rage kind of took over.

I'm still not talking to him. I missed him so much. I just want to tell him how much I love him, how scared I was every second he was gone… but I can't. How can I tell him that I love him?

Maybe someday he'll tell me…


End file.
